I need to find the answers within me
Cracks in my memory
won’t allow me to remember who I am
won’t let me forget the words that were said
I lost my instincts along with my pride
I miss my cats, I miss the past
Layers of dirt hide the forgotten beauty
The sacred structure that was supposed to be unbreakable
Lost battles, defeated body and soul
The writing on the wall won’t fade away
A mark of Cain
A shadow to my dimming light
It’s been too long, too intense and too demanding. The pain is like a shadow on everything I do. I’m on a road to nowhere…
Being divorced, I ‘get’ to have 2 weekends a month for myself. Right after my divorce, these weekend were a living hell. I spent my weekends hiding in bed, crying, grieving and missing my little girl so badly. I wasn’t coping very well and literally slept throughout the weekend.
That wasn’t a good way of dealing with may pain, but at that time, that was the only way I knew. It was really self destructive, not only for myself, but also for my family. They knew that whenever the weekend approached they had to be ‘on call’ and make sure I was okay, alive.
It is only now, that I’m starting to cope with my weekends in a more stable and constructive way. Sure, I still miss my girl when she’s away with her father, but I know she’s doing well and I recognise the fact that it’s important for her to have a healthy relationship with each of us.
Nowadays, I’m able to take some time for myself and make my weekends really fruitful. I got to work on Friday, although I really don’t have to, since this is a good distraction for me (plus, I get to complete missing hours). I cook and clean the house, i watch favourite TV programmes, I blog and spend quality time with my family.
I get to rest, process and deal with the pain rather than run away from it.
How are you spending your weekends?
Trauma is exhausting
Draining my energy
Sucking my vitality
Leaving me shaky and weak
I can see the progress
Not playing games with death
Not numbing the pain with artificial aid
I am present but my body won’t adjust to the change
It’s been such a long journey
And the end is yet to be seen
I need my body again
I need strength
Pain is acting distant
Camouflaging its hues
with the vivid colours of Spring
Sending error messages
Ambivalence is uncomfortable