Mark of Cain

I need to find the answers within me

Cracks in my memory

won’t allow me to remember who I am

won’t let me forget the words that were said

I lost my instincts along with my pride

I miss my cats, I miss the past

Layers of dirt hide the forgotten beauty

The sacred structure that was supposed to be unbreakable

Lost battles, defeated body and soul

The writing on the wall won’t fade away

A mark of Cain

A shadow to my dimming light

My Private Saturdays

Being divorced, I ‘get’ to have 2 weekends a month  for myself. Right after my divorce, these weekend were a living hell. I spent my weekends hiding in bed, crying, grieving and missing my little girl so badly. I wasn’t coping very well and literally slept throughout the weekend.

That wasn’t a good way of dealing with may pain, but at that time, that was the only way I knew. It was really self destructive, not only for myself, but also for my family. They knew that whenever the weekend approached they had to be ‘on call’ and make sure I was okay, alive.

It is only now, that I’m starting to cope with my weekends in a more stable and constructive way. Sure, I still miss my girl when she’s away with her father, but I know she’s doing well and I recognise the fact that it’s important for her to have a healthy relationship with each of us.

Nowadays, I’m able to take some time for myself and make my weekends really fruitful. I got to work on Friday, although I really don’t have to, since this is a good distraction for me (plus, I get to complete missing hours). I cook and clean the house, i watch favourite TV programmes, I blog and spend quality time with my family.

I get to rest, process and deal with the pain rather than run away from it.

How are you spending your weekends?

29.04.2017

Trauma is exhausting

Draining my energy

Sucking my vitality

Leaving me shaky and weak

 

I can see the progress

Not playing games with death

Not numbing the pain with artificial aid

I am present but my body won’t adjust to the change

 

It’s been such a long journey

And the end is yet to be seen

I need my body again

I need strength