Freedom, baby!

The past month has truly been amazing.

After such a long time, I’ve finally felt like a woman again – sexy, desirable and wanted. Man, it felt so damn good. I met someone new. We have an amazing chemistry and attraction and had a lot of fun together. He’s my type of man – confident, sexy, funny and charismatic.

He made me feel so very special in this short period of time we have been dating, and for that I’m really grateful. It’s so easy for me to be swept away easily, being led by my desire and passion, however, I know this is not the right way, and for the first time in my life, I’m willing to do things differently. Or at least try 😉

I’m very easily swept and led by my desire and passion. I want to be more calculated and cautious this time. I don’t want to fall for the first guy I meet, I don’t want to build fantasies in my head that he’s the one, because I simply can’t know that after such a short period. I do want to continue to have fun and explore more possibilities. I want to take things lightly, go out, have fun, allow my drive and passion to lead me in a fun way.

I want this feeling to last. It has been shut for so many years, and it just feels so good to be alive again. It’s hard to tell what the future holds for me, but at this point, I’m just happy with the way things are ; With being my true self again, enjoying being a woman and allowing myself to let loose.

Janis Joplin

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all Joni Mitchell

Mark of Cain

I need to find the answers within me

Cracks in my memory

won’t allow me to remember who I am

won’t let me forget the words that were said

I lost my instincts along with my pride

I miss my cats, I miss the past

Layers of dirt hide the forgotten beauty

The sacred structure that was supposed to be unbreakable

Lost battles, defeated body and soul

The writing on the wall won’t fade away

A mark of Cain

A shadow to my dimming light

Haste Is of The Devil

I keep on talking about ‘the past 7 months’, since this is the official time when we separated (divorce happened a few months later). The past 7 months have been horrible for me, in every way you can possibly imagine.

Separation is always hard, but when children are involved, it’s 10 times harder, and when the other side decides to end things without explaining or allowing you to express yourself, it’s 100 times harder. You get the point.

I was in an emotional and mental breakdown; grieving the loss of a partner, grieving the loss of  a relationship, but mostly – grieving the loss of a family, our family.

So many ups and downs have happened throughout these 7 months, substantially more downs. Every time I felt a little stronger, a new obstacle would come in my way (you can read about the latest here). I kept on feeling like there is no way out of this endless pain and misery.

Continue reading “Haste Is of The Devil”