From a very early age I learnt that sex means power. Power someone can use against you, power you can use against someone. I know this may sound kind of messed up… but that’s the only way I knew.
Sex for me was never as exciting and scary as it might have been for other girls. I knew what it’s all about from an early age and knew that it wasn’t all fairytales and unicorns, but rather like a weapon being used against you. So, I learnt to use it the same way…
I learnt to use sex to get what I want. It was my private weapon, my armor, my protector. No one could win me over when I had this armor in place. And so life went on and sex was always by my side, leading me, misleading me, bringing me highs and lows, a roller coaster of wild relationships, most of which were unhealthy for me.
I never stopped to think that this is wrong, it was my nature, part of who I was, whether I liked it or not. I must admit, that at some point, I grew to like it because of the simple reason that it always got me what I wanted. Yes, I used it in a manipulative way against men, something I’m not very proud of.
I guess I thought I was doomed… never even considered that I might re-think it all. That was until this new guy came into my life. After such a difficult year, I felt so good again, he made me feel like a woman again – passionate, desirable and sexy. And so it didn’t take me long to pull my old tricks… only this guy was smarter than me. He got me from the very beginning and he knew exactly how to neutralize me!
Man, this isn’t easy at all… I still feel like I lost my greatest power, my armor. And now I feel weak and vulnerable. It’s as if I don’t know how to act or behave without it. I’m quite grateful for this guy for opening my eyes about it in the most gentle way, without words or heavy talks, simply by his respect and actions. I do hope I will be able to overcome this lifetime perception of sex, and learn how to live with it in peace.