My messed-up relationship with sex

From a very early age I learnt that sex means power. Power someone can use against you, power you can use against someone. I know this may sound kind of messed up… but that’s the only way I knew.

Sex for me was never as exciting and scary as it might have been for other girls. I knew what it’s all about from an early age and knew that it wasn’t all fairytales and unicorns, but rather like a weapon being used against you. So, I learnt to use it the same way…

I learnt to use sex to get what I want. It was my private weapon, my armor, my protector. No one could win me over when I had this armor in place. And so life went on and sex was always by my side, leading me, misleading me, bringing me highs and lows, a roller coaster of wild relationships, most of which were unhealthy for me.

I never stopped to think that this is wrong, it was my nature, part of who I was, whether I liked it or not.  I must admit, that at some point, I grew to like it because of the simple reason that it always got me what I wanted. Yes, I used it in a manipulative way against men, something I’m not very proud of.

I guess I thought I was doomed… never even considered that I might re-think it all. That was until this new guy came into my life. After such a difficult year, I felt so good again, he made me feel like a woman again – passionate, desirable and sexy. And so it didn’t take me long to pull my old tricks… only this guy was smarter than me. He got me from the very beginning and he knew exactly how to neutralize me!

Man, this isn’t easy at all… I still feel like I lost my greatest power, my armor. And now I feel weak and vulnerable. It’s as if I don’t know how to act or behave without it. I’m quite grateful for this guy for opening my eyes about it in the most gentle way, without words or heavy talks, simply by his respect and actions. I do hope I will be able to overcome this lifetime perception of sex, and learn how to live with it in peace.

Freedom, baby!

The past month has truly been amazing.

After such a long time, I’ve finally felt like a woman again – sexy, desirable and wanted. Man, it felt so damn good. I met someone new. We have an amazing chemistry and attraction and had a lot of fun together. He’s my type of man – confident, sexy, funny and charismatic.

He made me feel so very special in this short period of time we have been dating, and for that I’m really grateful. It’s so easy for me to be swept away easily, being led by my desire and passion, however, I know this is not the right way, and for the first time in my life, I’m willing to do things differently. Or at least try 😉

I’m very easily swept and led by my desire and passion. I want to be more calculated and cautious this time. I don’t want to fall for the first guy I meet, I don’t want to build fantasies in my head that he’s the one, because I simply can’t know that after such a short period. I do want to continue to have fun and explore more possibilities. I want to take things lightly, go out, have fun, allow my drive and passion to lead me in a fun way.

I want this feeling to last. It has been shut for so many years, and it just feels so good to be alive again. It’s hard to tell what the future holds for me, but at this point, I’m just happy with the way things are ; With being my true self again, enjoying being a woman and allowing myself to let loose.

Janis Joplin

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose

Weekly Photo Challenge: Evanescent

Nowadays, happiness is evanescent to me… it comes and goes and never stays for too long. When I see little things that fuel my mind and bring happiness to my heart, I usually try to capture them with my phone, as a reminder for hope.

Just Like this little flower that we planted on Independence Day while visiting the farm. Every now and then it grows a little and then withers, fragile just like myself.